| BLOG | View Blog | | Dead Person Sensation! | | Posted: 10/28/2007 9:24:29 AM | Read 13 times | 3 comments |
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| SHOUT BOX | Welcome to The Daily Veg. Watch our blog for the latest news. If you have something funny to say, post a comment! If not, then you're not looking hard enough.
Today's Horrorscope:
Pisces: Today your favourite food gets its revenge on you, as you are eaten, by all the pies.
Big Bertha's Problem Page
I think my mother is a Goat
Dear Bertha,
I have a strange mother. She has four legs a bleats like a goat. She seems to enjoy eating grass and washing. I became increasingly concerned last night when she insisted I hammer a steak into the ground and tie her to it. What should I do? Shall I inform her that she has in fact turned into a goat?
B. Goat-Gruff. Troll Bridge, Avon.
Big Bertha Says:
Your mother is indeed strange. Have you tried extracting milk from her and making cheese and then killing her, marinating her with lemon and grilling her in puffy pastry and covering the pie with gravy? What a wonderful meal that would be!
I have two feet at the bottom of my legs
Dear Aunty Bertha:
I seem to have two feet at the bottom end of my legs. They seem to make it very easy to walk around and climb stairs. How shall I cure this ailment?
T. Feet. Step-A-Side, Wales.
Big Bertha Says:
How about sawing them off with a rusty hack-saw and putting them in a pie. Coat with a nice topping of thick lumpy gravy and serve with a mug of warm ale. There's no need to worry about this, it won't hurt and your feet won't grow back.
Too much masturbation
Dear Mum,
For more years than I care to remember, I have had this strange tuft of feathers growing out of the palm of my right hand. Its very pretty and looks very similar to a peacock's tail when I shine an Ultra Violet light on it. I have tried everything to remove them such as rubbing them with sand paper, grating my hand on a cheese grater, and so on.
However, they always seem to return within a couple of days. What is the cause of this? What shall I do to rid myself of these feathers?
Big Bertha Says:
This is caused my too much masturbation. It can be easily cured by removing the offending hand from your body with a circular saw and rubbing salt into the wound. The loose hand can be placed on the mantle piece or sideboard for decorative effect. The blood stains around it should make it more attractive. What a lovely ornament! While you are waiting for your salt infested wound to heal, prepare yourself a large steak pie and gravy.
You think you've got problems
Dear After Berth:
I want to buy something. However, whenever I enter a shop, I never know what to buy. This morning, I went into a bakery and I didn't know what to buy. So I tried to buy a car there but they insisted that I was in the wrong place. Why did this occur? Please tell me what I should buy next.
A. Dunce. Swindon.
Big Bertha Says:
You really are a silly twit, aren't you? I suggest that you purchase a brain and surround it with pastry. Put it in the oven at gas mark 5 and leave it until it is crispy. Prepare some gravy and enjoy. Maybe that will help you decide what you should buy.
Snippets from the Whippet
Carrot Sent to Space
The SEFVA (Space Exploration for Fruit and Veg Association) have launched a carrot into space. The project is said to have cost over 10p. A spokesperson for the SEFVA had no explanation for this. They were, allegedly, drunk when it happened.
170,000 Year Old Man Found
A 170,000-year-old man was found alive and well yesterday. The discovery was made when he cashed his first Giro. This has made him the richest man in every known universe in the world. The British economy has descended into chaos. His first purchase is claimed to be the Monarchy.
BUNIONS 'R' US
Chiropodists D'Extraordinaire
Feel like putting your feet in a bowl of polar bears every night to cool them off? Well now you can, at Bunions 'R' Us! We specialise in alternative treatment for corns, verucas, blisters, bunions and that black fluff that gets stuck between your toes.
Our unconventional methods have been praised by such magazines as "TV Guide" and "Skateboarding for paraplegics". Nobody can touch us for our petrol driven wart-files, or our liquid nitrogen footspas. Give us a call on 0800 TOECRUST and we'll send you a catalogue!
What people have said about Bunions 'R' Us:
"I had a little blister, and Bunions are us hacked off both my feet with a rusty ice cream scoop. I'd recommend them to anyone!" - Mrs Bloomer, Essex
"When my husband's corns started playing up, I sent him to Bunions 'R' Us and they fed him to tigers. A week later, I got his feet in the post. His corns had completely cleared up! Thanks Bunion's 'R' Us. You're the best." - Aunty Grey, Walrus St. Manchester.
Letters
Dear Sir,
I am writing to inform you that I read the Daily Veg. Thank you for publishing my letter.
I. P. Tanks-A-Lot.
Dear Sir,
Please help me. I am trying to find a house but I don't know where it is or who lives there. I have searched everywhere such as the kitchen, the toilet bowl, the back of the sofa, etc. All I know is that is house shaped and moonlights as a bicycle on Tuesday nights and on Sunday for half an hour.If you find this house, please send it to me. I do not know where I am.
Cheers, mate.
R. U. Smoking
I am writing to you as this publication seems to be the only one on the planet that talks sense. My race has been studying yours for centuries, but we still don't have a bloody clue what you're all on.
You pay a fortune to stick bits of burning paper in your mouth to breathe in smoke, something you spend billions of pounds detecting and preventing because you know it kills you. You worship imaginary spirits from 2000 year old books despite ridiculing the practice because your prehistoric ancestors did it, and to top it all you pay people millions to kick an inflated pigs bladder round a field for 90 minutes.
We were going to invade your planet but we can't be arsed now, you'll probably force us to listen to the Snoop Dogg and eat kebabs - sod that. You can shove the Earth up Uranus!
- Lenny, the 7 legged slimeroid from Sirius
Next Week:
Make your own make-up! We tell you how to do it using phlegm and old tea towels!
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